Post a joke!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic & Chit Chat' started by szecsuani, Nov 6, 2007.

  1. bipa New Member

    Joey all out howls at a Rolex commercial on CNN, and at the opening music for a German national news program. If I'm doing laundry in the basement and don't want to miss the news, I just set the TV to the correct channel, and give Joey a bone to keep him busy in front of the TV. When he howls, I know it's coming on in about a minute :dogbiggrin:

  2. dakotamom421 New Member

    changing a light bulb

    How many dogs does it take to......

    These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"

    Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

    Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

    Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

    Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

    Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

    Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

    Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

    Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

    Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

    Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

    Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.


    Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

    Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

    Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

    Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

    Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

    Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

  3. marieke New Member


    8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
    10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
    11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
    12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
    1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
    4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!


    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
  4. luna may New Member

    Hahahahahahahaha!!! xD
    You guys are great! :doglaugh:
  5. marieke New Member

  6. yoyopoodle Well-Known Member

    Great jokes guys :D

    Three handsome dogs were walking down the street, when they saw a beautiful Poodle coming towards them. They started bickering about who was going to ask her out, but when she approached she had a different plan.
    The Poodle decided that she wanted a man who had brains, not just good looks... so she told them that she'd go out with who-ever thought of the most imaginative sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'.
    The Labrador Retriever immediately exclaimed, "I love liver and cheese!"
    The Poodle replied, "Boring... next!"
    The Cocker Spaniel tentatively tried, "I hate liver and cheese?"
    "You're ridiculous!", said the Poodle.
    Finally the little Chihuahua had his turn. He winked at the lady, then turned to his buddies and announced, "Liv'er alone - cheese mine!!!" ;)
  7. Jean Cote Administrator

    TEACHER: Clyde, your essay on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

    CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
  8. szecsuani Experienced Member

    These are great!

    I found this one today:
  9. Jean Cote Administrator

    LOL nice pic! :D
  10. marieke New Member

    Two dogs are lost in the desert. Says one to the other: if we don't find a tree soon I'm gonna pee in my pants.
  11. luna may New Member

    Hehehe nice one! :great:
  12. luna may New Member

    Two rich men had an argument about which of them had the best dog. After a few days of pointless bickering, they made a desicion. They schedueled a dog fight one month away from that day, during which each would have time to train his dog anyway he pleased, as far as him money could get him.
    Well, a month passed by. The first man arived at the agreed place with his big, strong, shiny-haired and extremely vicious Bull Mastif-Rottwiller cross.
    He waited for a few minutes, and here came the second man, holding by the leash a small, bald, scally, ugly and green little dog. The fight started, and within seconds, the firs man's dog lay helplessly on his back, whimpering, as the tiny dog stood above him baring his teeth.
    The first man looked at the winner and said "How did you do that? Do you know how hard I trained my dog, how much money and care I spent on him?"
    The second looked at him in amusement. "Talk for yourself- do you have any idea about the cost of the plastic surgurey I did to my crocodile?"

    And now, a few comments:
    1. I am really, really opposed to dog fights.
    2. I'm sorry about it being a rottie-mastif, it's just part of the joke. I really don't think the prejudice towards either of them is true.
    3. I hope you liked the joke! ;)
  13. szecsuani Experienced Member

    I think this joke is hilarious!
    I just know it with an old lady, who is walking this ugly green dog, and a mans dog attacks it.
  14. luna may New Member

    Hehe thanks Szecsuani! :)
  15. morgancherilyn Well-Known Member

    The Dog's Diary

    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

    12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

    5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

    8:00 pm - Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    The Cat's Diary

    Day 983 of my captivity.

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

    In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

    I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

    The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have
    arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.....

    Is it any wonder I love dogs best?

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