Post a joke!

Discussion in 'Off-Topic & Chit Chat' started by szecsuani, Nov 6, 2007.

  1. szecsuani Experienced Member

    Well, I just had this idea, of a topic full of jokes!
    I have a really good day today, and I don't know why. I'm just in a good mood:dogbiggrin:
    So here is my joke:

    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he is cross-eyed?" "No, because he is really, really heavy."

  2. szecsuani Experienced Member

    And I found another one:

    On the door of the little country store a stranger noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! Inside he saw a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
    He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied.
    The stranger could not help but be amused. "That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
    "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
  3. bocephus Experienced Member

    The Funnies

    Okay I liked em! The second best.

    Though these have nothin to to with tricks it sure is nice to get a chuckle every once in awhile so I'll share a couple.

    A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

    The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

    "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

    The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

    The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

    The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
  4. bocephus Experienced Member

    Do I know Another one you ask?

    A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

    "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

    "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

    A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"
  5. bocephus Experienced Member

    Okay but only one more...


    Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

    "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

    Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

    "Two dogs, please," said one.

    The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

    The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
  6. Jean Cote Administrator

    A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized that the dog belonged to his neighbour, which happened to be a lawyer.

    Incensed at the theft, the butcher called his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, wouldn't you be liable for the cost of the meat?". The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98".

    A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for exactly $7.98, attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
  7. mopar53190 Well-Known Member

    I have a real corney one:

    What did the guy say when his dog jumped off the cliff?



    Dog gone!!!
  8. szecsuani Experienced Member

    This joke was in the movie "A Prairie Home Companion".


    The blind man was walking on the street with his wife, and met a dog.
    The dog pissed on a blind man's shoe.
    The blind man said 'Here Rover, here's a little beef for you.'
    The wife said 'Don't reward him, you can't just let that pass!'
    The blind man said 'I gotta find his mouth, so I can kick him in the ass!'
  9. szecsuani Experienced Member

    10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog

    If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

    No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

    Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

    Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

    No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

    Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

    You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

    No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

    It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

    Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
  10. Jean Cote Administrator

    Nice one! :dogsmile:
  11. szecsuani Experienced Member

    Thanks!
    Here's an other one:
    The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

    20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
    19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
    18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
    17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
    16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
    15. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.
    14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www . pethouse.com instead of working.
    13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
    12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
    11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
    10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
    9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
    8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
    7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
    6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
    5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
    4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
    3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
    2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

    and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Do Not Use Computers...

    1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*
  12. szecsuani Experienced Member

    Allright, I found a new one:

    Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

    The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
  13. Jean Cote Administrator

    LOL :dogsmile: :)
  14. kim80 New Member

    Instructions for cleaning the toilet

    this was in the monthly news letter i get from my puppy school, it made me laugh:msngiggle:

    INSTRUCTIONS FOR CLEANING THE TOILET...

    1. Lift the lid of the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

    2. Take the cat in your arms and stoke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

    3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

    4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam, Do not be concerned about loud noises coming from the toilet, your cat is enjoying himself.

    5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the "power-wash" and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

    6. ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

    7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

    8. the toilet and the cat are now both clean.

    with best wishes
    the DOG...:doglaugh:

    there were 2 photos that were with it but they were to faded to put onto the computer but one was of a wet cat...and the other one was of a dog laying on its back with it mouth wide open so it looks like it is laughing its head off.....
    don't get me wrong i love cats but it was funny....

    kim:msnwink:
  15. bipa New Member

    Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

    John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, backwoods rural area.

    After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

    His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

    For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

    Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

    Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

    Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted: COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!

    :doglaugh:
  16. Jean Cote Administrator

    LOL :dogsmile: I like that one.
  17. l_l_a New Member

    hehe sorry guys I don't have anything to contribute, I'm just here to enjoy all the funny jokes!
  18. profiam New Member

    Here's a link to bipa's "How to Clean a Cat!" I love all critters, and have used this in my internship (and other courses I teach) for stress relief. After 6 years (yes, its been around at least that long) I STILL CANNOT READ THE WHOLE THING OUT LOUD WITHOUT LAUGHING SO HARD I CRY!!!! :D

    http://www.hortplus.com/FreeStuf/Misc/CleanCat.htm
  19. marieke New Member

    Not technically a joke but I am finding it hard to take this seriously. It gave me a good laugh though. I wonder how they teach their dogs this.

    [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCYaw5tGYAs&feature=user[/media]
  20. Jean Cote Administrator

    Actually some breeds or even some individual dogs are very vocal. I can get my husky to howl simply by howling myself. She'll match my note and pitch. :) Kind of fun. hehe

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